Why I hate Christmas before Christmas

Most people sit in two camps on this issue. People who, like the band Wizzard, wish it could be Christmas everyday. We’ll come back to this ridiculous impracticality in a bit. The majority of others, like myself are ok with Christmas, as long as it’s celebrated once a year, for a couple of weeks in December. The people left are those who don’t celebrate Christmas at all, due to religious or financial reasons, or there are those that simply hate everything anyway (birthdays, Easter, people in general) who wish that everything and everyone remotely Christmas related would disappear into some raging tinsel inferno.

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I love Christmas, I really do. I love the excitement of opening my advent calendar (yes I’m over 30 and still have one, what’s your point?) and getting a mini chocolate treat everyday for 3 weeks and trying to work out whether the picture behind it is some sort of deformed Robin or a dead reindeer. It’s a special time of year where you give, not expecting to receive. I love buying thoughtful gifts for people and seeing their forced reaction that they absolutely love it, whilst simultaneously trying to figure out why the hell you’d buy them that, instead of the thing they’ve been dropping hints at for over a year. You spend time with family and friends, eat copious amounts of glutinous food, washed down with festive spirit and cheer, and generally have a bloody good time, even if you don’t want to. 

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This all only works because it is temporary. It’s a fake joyous bubble that if you stay in long enough will most certainly pop. No one can maintain that level of cooperation and niceties for that amount of time, especially when booze is involved. The party games come out and we all get way too competitive. There are families that still don’t talk because of Monopoly-gate 1995. You are forced to eat and drink to levels you’re not used to and have to have indigestion tablets on constant standby, as well as a secret stash of your favourite Quality Street because there’s always someone who likes the green triangle as much as you do. Damn those people. The TV is filled with either awesome nostalgia or awful reruns. Christmas specials are either spot-on family favourites or massively cringeworthy piles of crap.

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Christmas has been turned into an over-commercialised fanfare. Where a Christmas card for your ‘Mum’, ‘Cousin’ or ‘The Dog’ can cost as much as 5 family boxes of chocolate covered shortbread Christmas trees. I know which one I’d prefer. The thought of experiencing Christmas ‘everyday’ as the song suggests, fills me with dread. It would be an unsustainable nightmare and the world would most likely implode. Now I know all you Christmas loving nutcrackers mean well, but having this season shoved down your throat from late September through till early January is too much to take. You’re ruining it! You’ve taken away the sparkle and magic and made it into something I have begun to resent. Why would you do that? Please stop. Every time you mention Christmas pre-December you kill a baby elf. You’re inciting violence. I have to constantly resist the urge to punch people who have those annoying ‘300 more sleeps till Christmas’ jingles on their phones. You’re playing a dangerous game my friend!

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We are currently mid-November. At this point it is acceptable to start mentioning Christmas and perhaps start thinking about get-togethers and presents. If you’re super organised and already have your presents bought & wrapped, that’s weird but hooray for you, I just personally don’t want to hear about it. Keep your smugness to yourself, some of us prefer to wing this shit.

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My other half has got very excited now that there are whole channels dedicated to poorly scripted and abysmally acted Christmas B-movies. I have already firmly stated I will not be watching any of them until December, yes even the one about puppies called ‘Christmas buddies’. You will not tempt me that easily! I do love a good Christmas movie though; Elf, Home Alone, Die Hard…yippee kai yay motherf#cker! And other classic chrimbo phrases. I love a Christmas jumper, putting felt antlers on the dogs and spending half an hour trying to get the perfect photo. Having to give up because one won’t stop licking their Christmas baubles. The smell of a real Christmas tree and the ball ache of trying to rid your house of pine needles for months after. Going to the Christmas market, buying overpriced mulled wine and a fat greasy German sausage, what’s not to like?!

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But only at Christmas please people. Don’t ruin the joy for the rest of us with overkill. Keep it in your tacky Christmas pants till December ok? Much obliged. And when it arrives I will be as Christmassy as a Christmas fairy, wrapped in tinsel, riding Santa’s reindeer, drinking eggnog singing ‘Santa Claus is Coming to Town’. Till then, STFU.

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