I am pretty much in charge of the fridge in our house. What gets put in it and what is made with the contents, pretty much 90% of the time. I am rubbish at this job.
When you’re younger you only get to eat what your parents put in the fridge (boring!). When you first leave home, if you’re lucky enough to house share, you end up either envious of what your housemates can afford to buy, or pissed off with the amount of food they steal from you. Your relationship with the fridge has improved, but you’re not quite there yet.
But then you get a job, get your own place and have your OWN fridge. You can fill it with whatever delicious delights you want and they’re all yours! To cook and eat till your hearts content! Wrong. If you’re anything like me, you buy vegetables which go off before you eat them, freeze everything and then forget to defrost stuff for dinner on a daily basis and fill your fridge with 70% sauce and 30% stuff that will not go together no matter how hard you try and combine eggs with coconut yoghurt, a bottle of ale and tomato sauce. You’re not Heston Blumenthal. It will taste like shit even if you do grate some cheese on the top.
Recently I have become aware of how un-adult like my fridge is. I am not lying to you, it is 70% sauce. Tomato sauce, Brown sauce, Guinness Brown sauce, BBQ sauce, Taste the Difference BBQ sauce, Salad cream, Mayonaise, Tabasco sauce, Chilli sauce….the list continues. Maybe it’s because I have a shit fridge that I refuse to put anything worthwhile in there. The ice builds up regularly in the freezer compartment which sometimes freezes little parts of the fridge. This does not improve the flavour of food. I once spent 48 hours trying to defrost the damn thing, which ended up with my other half taking a hammer to the remaining iceberg that wouldn’t budge, which was big enough to sink the Titanic twice over. It beat us that day. We had to switch it back on with chunks of ice still welded to it and I am sure I could hear demonic laughter from inside its icy depths….damn you evil frozen fridge!
I recently spent a week in a lovely manor house where it had one of those double doored American fridge-freezers which gives you cold water and ice on tap. Bloody brilliant. I wanted that fridge so bad! But fridges like that are way out of my league and subsequent price range. They also won’t fit into the allocated space in my tiny kitchen. So, for now I will have to stick with my stupid useless excuse for a cooler and try not to overdose on marmite flavoured tomato sauce. First world problems right?!
I imagine my friends fridges to be organised alphabetically, with different colour coded compartments. And when they open its doors, angelic church music plays with spotlights highlighting different ingredients suggesting items which would make a most excellent dish once combined. My fridge doesn’t even have a working light. It broke within the first few months of moving in and I haven’t bothered to replace it. I have a light in the kitchen, why does the fridge need an extra light? My cupboards don’t have lights, I can see perfectly fine in there thank you very much without a special light.
So there you have it. I have a fridge filled with the contents of a 5 year old’s mind with the digestive system of an 80 year old. Maybe it’s my way of resisting becoming an adult. Maybe once you get a fancy fridge and contents, that’s it. You’re officially a grown up. You’ll be buying newspapers and actually getting around to reading your mail rather than piling it up and only opening up interesting looking envelopes. In which case, me and my saucy fridge are just fine thanks. Now where’s that number for Dominos……